So, hi! It’s me again. Want to take this opportunity to thank you again for reading and commenting on my introduction post a week ago.
Love the interaction and you know… whenever you write honestly about real experiences and events and put yourself out there, it’s always a risk. There could have been comments like “You suck, go away!” or no comments at all – and I’m very relieved that didn’t happen.
Part One: Marc’s Mind #1: Introduction
So I hope you are up for making this a weekly thing? I’m gonna try it as such anyway and we’ll see if the interest is there. What am I even talk about, you ask? Well, the first post was really very much just an introduction to answer why I read and review M/M books. As a gay man, I have had many experiences, though, and I don’t really mind sharing with you – ‘cause you are awesome!!!
So to start things off, I thought we could start about something I am pretty sure some of you will want to know about: Sex. You know, this topic is very personal to me, especially in the way it relates my boyfriend and me and our relationship.
I guess I should start with the fact that my parents pretty much don’t have any sex. Well, sure, my brother and I had to be conceived in some way, but since then… let’s just say we were never able to interrupt something intimate between my parents, because there never was something to interrupt. Known fact! There was never a big secret about that. Our parents just wished for us to find a healthier way to deal with sex. I always appreciated the honesty they tackled this topic with and I’m sure it’s a big part of why I don’t have a lot of hang-ups about sex.
Weirdly, I do blush when talking about sex explicitly, when talking about it in my native language. Sometimes German seems like a harsh language and it is not always easy to use the language for casual conversation about topics, when words have many strong connotations for you. In my second language it is much easier. Even just saying “I am gay” instead of saying “Ich bin schwul”. I guess that is one reason why I always say I’m bi in German, but say I’m gay in English. One of my friends recently posted the Kinsey scale in her very inspirational morning group on Facebook. If you are familiar with the scale then I would say I am about a “4” 😉
Anyway, our parents wanted us to have a natural, honest and normal relationship with sex. They gave us the normal “birds and bees” speech – though honestly, I took higher lever biology in High School but I still don’t understand that. I know it’s a euphemism, but how does that even work. Can someone please explain to me how bees are getting it on with birds? Even bees and flowers would make more sense – though even that is a stretch when talking about sex. To quote one of the great men of our future, “that’s illogical!” (Spock, every Star Trek movie and episode ;)).
Yes, normal way to deal with sex. Right, I’m back on track, now. As I said, honesty is great and it made me feel like informing myself about sex was a good idea. I’m naturally curious and this topic isn’t an exception in any way. For a very long time it was more a… how shall I put it? Academical pursuit? Research project? Well, I knew a lot about it in theory, just didn’t really get a chance to practice it. I was kinda the shy guy with a problem to keep his weight down and never had to fight offers off. I had some really good friends, some of them friends for life, but when I admitted to myself that I was bi when I turned 20 – I was still a virgin in any and every way. In the two relationships I had before that one was long distance, when I was still very young and the other ended before they could get intimate. So I don’t really know how sex with a woman would be. I do find some women extremely hot – like the ladies on “Survivor”, who are hot as hell and can kick ass- but you know, if there were a hot, naked guy next to them, I would probably not see the Women at all 😛
Anyway (sorry, I love this word so you have to deal), so I didn’t have a lot of luck with the ladies, not that I would have necessarily pushed anyone off my bed. When I came out to myself, therefore, many new opportunities arose 😉 I was still only out to my best friend and she encouraged me to explore, so I did 😉 As I said, I got a profile on a gay dating site. Had to fill out a lot of information that was kind of new to me; not the typical Facebook stuff. Lots of information about my sexual preferences and even though I had regularly done research into gay sex, a lot of it was very new to me. Not to worry, though, I went with it and dedicated my time to even more research – that’s me, ever the overachiever *g*
So even though I was looking for a boyfriend, I was also looking for my first sexual experiences. I made it clear on my profile that I was looking for something real, and didn’t want to rush that, but wasn’t opposed to getting my first taste of guy-on-guy action in a casual way, while I was looking for the real thing. I was so surprised when a lot of guys were interested in chatting with me and found me attractive, when no one ever had. It was very flattering and I soon began getting my first real experiences. I went over to a guy, to ‘watch’ Final Destination 2. It was soon apparent that I was the only one watching and I was so nervous that I kept watching, even as I allowed him to open my pants and start to touch me. I was so excited to finally get my first experience and the guy was really nice. kinda didn’t do a whole lot for me, though. My first blowjob was kind of anti-climatic. Still not sure if I’ve never gotten a really good blowjob or if it’s simply not for me. The warmth does feel pleasant, but that’s it. Couldn’t even get myself off. I guess I was so used to watching porn and waiting for the money shots like penetration and cum shot that I couldn’t perform under pressure, with just another guy as visual inspiration.
I tried the blow job thing myself, though, and it really wasn’t as it was described everywhere for me. Didn’t taste summer and rainbows or stuff like that. It tasted like skin, but the idea of it was really cool. You know, I had a dick between my lips and though I was very much still learning, I thought that was cool. I had the power over another guy’s arousal. I could feel his dick responding to my stimulation and feel as the blood pumped into it and he went stiff in my mouth, which was a really great feeling. I did that. I was able to get him to release, able to make him see fireworks and moan in pleasure. Not sure why it is so often described as tasting something truly special, because that really wasn’t my experience at all.
Don’t really think the taste of cum is anything to write home about, either – not that I ever would, even with the honesty we have established there. It’s just very psychological for me. I like blowing someone to give them pleasure and feel like the person to give pleasure and cum is kind of the victory, the culmination of a (blow)job well done *g*. So for me it doesn’t taste like cantaloupe or ambrosia or anything like that. It’s a slightly salty, slightly bitter taste without a lot of flavor. And it’s slimy! If anything it tastes like victory, though, and as such I’ve learned to like the taste for what it represents much more than for the actual taste.
That reminds me – did you guys know that the taste can actually change, depending on what a guy has eaten? Really, not kidding! Taking drugs, drinking a lot of alcohol or coffee, eating meat or smoking will make it taste worse. Just like eating asparagus, cauliflowers, onions and broccoli will make it taste worse. So I guess I should eat more Celery (Yuck) and fruits (Yum).
So, I guess I don’t love the taste but I love the experience and I’m more a giver than a receiver where this aspect is concerned.
That was my first experience, but I was also tried out some other things like sex in nature and out in public (Well hidden, but it made the blowjob and fingering way more exciting) – or the backroom of a porn store as well as a clean and abandoned airport toilet among others. So I’ve had my share of experiences, but I also kept something, so that it would be a special thing I could experience for the first time with the right guy.
So, y’all read my big love story last week and I’m standing by it, but it is really difficult to first enjoy the freedom of coming out and falling in love, but then realizing that it is very problematic, sexually. We are not a natural fit. It was very important to both of us that sex wasn’t an important topic during our getting to know phase. We talked about important things like the possibility of maybe adopting children and the possibility of marriage in the future, but we didn’t want to be one of those couples who made sex way more important than it really ought to be. We wanted to get to know and fall in love first and thought the rest would follow naturally. I kinda loved the idea, because I was still a virgin in the sense that I hadn’t and still haven’t lost my anal virginity or been the active guy in anal sex (or had sex with a girl for that matter) yet.
I had a few sexual adventures, but I kept my ‘first time’ for an occasion that I would not regret, with someone I cared deeply about. So, I was in love and thought the moment was near and really prepared myself. I read up on everything I needed to know and how to prepare myself in the best way and did it. Getting all the supplies I needed. One of my casual friends even went with me to buy my first condoms in a store (I now know to buy them online – so much cheaper and anonymous).
But well, we realized that we were both bottoms and though there are ways to explore new stuff together, the fact that we are both passive in bed, doesn’t make this a very easy topic.
Well, I’ve pretty much known that I’m more on the passive side, I’ve experienced with putting stuff up there when I was younger and had some recent experiences with toys that showed me that I have no problems with size at all. But I get so much more out of a touch, a slick or a person being intimate with me than from a toy. Anyway, I’m deeply in love with my guy, but there are some realities that don’t make it easy all the time. Cuddling and kissing and stuff like that with a person I love feels so much better than any sexual experience I’ve had until now, though, so it’s more the thought that sex should have been better than what I experienced – that the one thing I saved – the one thing my BF can’t really do anything with as he is exclusively a bottom (but has never bottomed or really seems to be much into it, either) might be the one thing that I have been really fantasizing about. Especially with the way a single touch around my butt can drive me wild.
I have not the slightest idea what the future holds, but for right now I’m happily in love and willing to make some major sacrifices to be with the man that I’ve talked to every single day since we met nearly three years ago. The man I love to discover the world with, the man who is always on my side and drives me 6 hours to see my grandma and reschedules his busy work plan so we can go to my cousin’s funeral.
You know, sex is a fantastic thing. I am sure that I would love the deep feeling of connecting with another guy and becoming one, but honestly – love is so much more. There was an emptiness before I met my guy that has now been filled. So I satisfy my curiosity and fantasies with extensive online research into the topic and have my man to satisfy my overwhelming NEED to be loved, held, kissed, appreciated, challenged, cherished, to go into a special emotional connection with another man.
So, yeah, two bottoms in love do exist, even if it isn’t always easy. But if you really love someone, that is stronger than any challenge you can encounter.
I guess that’s it for today. It has really been interesting to write this at University 😛 Do you know that feeling of paranoia that everyone keeps staring at what you are writing, especially if it is something explicit? LOL. Hope you guys thought this new chapter is worthwhile to read and I’d be happy to read any comments and to answer any questions you might have 😉
Oh and something else! Totally forgot three of my all-time faves last week:
BEST CONCLUSION TO A M/M SERIES: “Learning Curve” by Kaje Harper (book 4 of the “Life Lessons” series.
BEST FREE EBOOK/ AUDIOBOOK: “The Student Prince” written and narrated by FayJay (CHECK IT OUT)
HOTTEST M/M NOVEL: “Hot Head” by Damon Suede
I have a number of paperbacks, most of which are signed, to giveaway. Over the between now (11 Mar 2017) and 31 Mar 2017, every comment on the blog (this post and all other new posts), will be entered to win 1 of these paperbacks. There are also some misc swag items, so there will be a few packs of these to give away as well.
Thank you so much for your support over the last 4 years. Prism will be closing its doors on 1 April 2017. All content will remain available, but no new content will appear after 31 Mar 2017. As such all request forms have been turned off. Again Thank you,
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