Join us as Daniel Kaine goes Outside the Margins.
Baby don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me, no more.
Now that the inevitable earworm is out of the way, it’s time to get serious. You see, the title of this month’s post is something I’ve asked myself countless times. Why, you ask? Because at the age of 29, as of two weeks ago, I’ve yet to experience love for myself.
I’m not taking about love of your favourite pizza topping, or even pets and family members. I mean the kind of love you feel for another person who completes you, who makes you want to spend the rest of your life with them. To me, this is just a concept, and something I can’t actually identify with.
Over the years I’ve had a number of different theories as to why this is. I’ve gone through all the cliché reasons you could think of, from having not met the right person, to not being ready to settle down.
Probably one of the more explored reasons in my life is that I’ve had several bad experiences with relationships. I’ve been roofied by a man who I was seeing at the time. I never did find out what actually happened that night, but that incident certainly didn’t do much for my trust in men.
I’ve had men ditch me like I was a piece of dog shit on the heel of their shoe. No discussion, just a quick ‘I’m breaking up with you’. Like they had decided overnight they were bored with me and couldn’t afford to spend even another minute to talk about things. If it was just one asshole, I could understand. But after two, three and more times, it makes a person start to wonder if they’re even worthy of being in a relationship.
I’ve been lied to so badly that I couldn’t trust another word out of that person’s mouth. Had the blame for a bad relationship forced on me. Had shit talked about me behind my back like I wouldn’t find out. It’s enough to make a person feel like relationships just aren’t worth the effort.
For a while, I started to consider myself aromantic. I didn’t want a relationship. Why would I if they were all going to turn out like my previous ones? I was happy being single with my heart protected in a nice little cocoon.
But when you’re part of the MM genre, it’s hard to escape romance. It’s everywhere. Even in my own writing. Most people are probably aware that I don’t write pure romance, but there’s always some element of it in my books. Maybe that was my way of trying to gradually explore a part of me I was missing out on. And having been surrounded by stories of two, or more, men finding their happy ever after, I find myself realising that deep down there’s still a part of me that wants to be loved, and to know what it means to love in return.
It’s not easy accepting that. It means coming to terms with the fact that all along I was scared of letting someone else in. It means being willing to take a risk and trust that the next person won’t turn out to be a complete douche like some of the others. Looking back now, I can see times where I should have taken that risk. I didn’t because of that fear imposed on me by the past. I kept my distance.
I wrote in my last blog post that submission has taught me that I am strong. Maybe now I’m strong enough to break the shackles holding me back. If I was to give myself one resolution for this year, it would be to not let fear keep me from discovering what love is.
And to not get eaten by a shark. Hey, I’ve got to have at least one resolution I know I’ll keep.
~ Daniel Kaine
About Daniel Kaine
I have a number of paperbacks, most of which are signed, to giveaway. Over the between now (11 Mar 2017) and 31 Mar 2017, every comment on the blog (this post and all other new posts), will be entered to win 1 of these paperbacks. There are also some misc swag items, so there will be a few packs of these to give away as well.
Thank you so much for your support over the last 4 years. Prism will be closing its doors on 1 April 2017. All content will remain available, but no new content will appear after 31 Mar 2017. As such all request forms have been turned off. Again Thank you,
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