What is love? ~ Daniel Kaine: Outside the Margins

Join us as Daniel Kaine goes Outside the Margins.

Daniel_Kaine_OtMWhat is love?

Baby don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me, no more.

Now that the inevitable earworm is out of the way, it’s time to get serious. You see, the title of this month’s post is something I’ve asked myself countless times. Why, you ask? Because at the age of 29, as of two weeks ago, I’ve yet to experience love for myself.

I’m not taking about love of your favourite pizza topping, or even pets and family members. I mean the kind of love you feel for another person who completes you, who makes you want to spend the rest of your life with them. To me, this is just a concept, and something I can’t actually identify with.

Over the years I’ve had a number of different theories as to why this is. I’ve gone through all the cliché reasons you could think of, from having not met the right person, to not being ready to settle down.

Probably one of the more explored reasons in my life is that I’ve had several bad experiences with relationships. I’ve been roofied by a man who I was seeing at the time. I never did find out what actually happened that night, but that incident certainly didn’t do much for my trust in men.

I’ve had men ditch me like I was a piece of dog shit on the heel of their shoe. No discussion, just a quick ‘I’m breaking up with you’. Like they had decided overnight they were bored with me and couldn’t afford to spend even another minute to talk about things. If it was just one asshole, I could understand. But after two, three and more times, it makes a person start to wonder if they’re even worthy of being in a relationship.

I’ve been lied to so badly that I couldn’t trust another word out of that person’s mouth. Had the blame for a bad relationship forced on me. Had shit talked about me behind my back like I wouldn’t find out. It’s enough to make a person feel like relationships just aren’t worth the effort.

For a while, I started to consider myself aromantic. I didn’t want a relationship. Why would I if they were all going to turn out like my previous ones? I was happy being single with my heart protected in a nice little cocoon.

But when you’re part of the MM genre, it’s hard to escape romance. It’s everywhere. Even in my own writing. Most people are probably aware that I don’t write pure romance, but there’s always some element of it in my books. Maybe that was my way of trying to gradually explore a part of me I was missing out on. And having been surrounded by stories of two, or more, men finding their happy ever after, I find myself realising that deep down there’s still a part of me that wants to be loved, and to know what it means to love in return.

It’s not easy accepting that. It means coming to terms with the fact that all along I was scared of letting someone else in. It means being willing to take a risk and trust that the next person won’t turn out to be a complete douche like some of the others. Looking back now, I can see times where I should have taken that risk. I didn’t because of that fear imposed on me by the past. I kept my distance.

I wrote in my last blog post that submission has taught me that I am strong. Maybe now I’m strong enough to break the shackles holding me back. If I was to give myself one resolution for this year, it would be to not let fear keep me from discovering what love is.

And to not get eaten by a shark. Hey, I’ve got to have at least one resolution I know I’ll keep.

~ Daniel Kaine

About Daniel Kaine

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I have a number of paperbacks, most of which are signed, to giveaway. Over the between now (11 Mar 2017) and 31 Mar 2017, every comment on the blog (this post and all other new posts), will be entered to win 1 of these paperbacks. There are also some misc swag items, so there will be a few packs of these to give away as well.

Thank you so much for your support over the last 4 years. Prism will be closing its doors on 1 April 2017. All content will remain available, but no new content will appear after 31 Mar 2017. As such all request forms have been turned off. Again Thank you,

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23 thoughts on “What is love? ~ Daniel Kaine: Outside the Margins

    • Thanks. When I was writing this, I wasn’t sure whether I should submit it, but I’m glad I did. It feels kinda good to get things out in the open instead of keeping them bottled up. I just wish I could go up to some of my ex’s and say ‘fuck you’ to their faces. I think that would feel pretty damn good, too.

  1. You know what? Love is a funny thing. I all but gave up on the idea of a lifelong partner at one point. I’d decided I did want a child, and could picture a future with one, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t picture a man to raise that child with me. And then one night when I worked in a bar in Amsterdam I saw this man and I knew I wouldn’t be doing it on my own after all. I can’t call it love at first sight because I don’t think you can love somebody you don’t know at all. But I did know at one sight. More than 25 years later our daughter is grown up, in college and living away from home. And I still look at him and know he is the one.

    What I’m saying is; do not give up. Love is a funny thing. It can catch you when you least expect it.

  2. Thank you for sharing! It is so nice to know others are in the same position as me. I am 31 and am still on the fence about this love phenomenon. Some days I am so optimistic that it will happen one day and it will be glorious. Other days, I have a hard time thinking it can happen for me because I struggle with trusting men after finding out a man I was living with and was to marry was cheating on me the entirety of our relationship and using my money (because I was supporting him going to school) to pay for dates and trips with his other women. Some days I feel strong enough to give it a go and others not so much.

    You are not alone and good luck to you in your journey!

    • Hi PizzyGirl. You’re right, it does help to know that other people go through something similar. I think it’s helped that I’ve met some amazing people on my journey in the last couple of years and I’ve seen some of them in love. It’s made me kinda jealous.

      Good luck to you too in finding someone to restore your trust in men. We’re not all jerks, I promise.

  3. I believe there is someone for everyone. Sometimes it takes longer than we want to find the “one”, but oh when we do…. Hang in there, Daniel. Your prince is out there and one day you’ll find each other.

    • It probably doesn’t help that I know a fair few people who are in loving relationships, and it makes me kinda jealous. I see them being happy and it makes me want it NOW! Waiting is hard.

  4. Daniel, I’m of the belief that love will find you when you least expect it to. I’ve told many of my single friends this, both younger and older than you. Of course, when you’re lonely, that message doesn’t mean much.
    As for the men who have treated you so shabbily, remember, it’s their loss, not yours and they most definitely didn’t deserve you. And, after getting to know you when hanging out with you in the lobby while in Atlanta, I don’t understand how or why they would treat such a wonderful, sweet, caring and funny man the way they did. But again, it’s their loss. The man who does finally win your heart will, in my opinion, will be one lucky man.
    So, hold your head high and reach for the stars and one day soon, that special someone will find you and sweep you off your feet so fast, you won’t know what hit you.
    Hugs sweetheart!

    • Thanks for the kind words, Mary. It can be easier said then done to believe them though. I know I can tend to focus on the negatives sometimes.

      Maybe it comes down to the fact that as human beings we do try to search for answers. Why did he dump me? Why did he treat me like shit? And often I think it’s easier to find fault in ourselves than to recognise why another person acted in a specific way.

  5. At 42 I’ve never had the opportunity to fall in love. Some of that is probably down to me being guarded and not really putting myself out there, I guess. It’s hard at times to not think there’s something wrong with you when, year after year, “the one” that is meant to be out there for everyone never appears.

    I’ve met you at three GRLs now, and think you are a great person (reputation for world domination notwithstanding) – sweet, fun, whip smart and caring – and you truly deserve every happiness in love as you do in life. I’ll add my wishes that 2015 is the year for you when everything aligns 🙂

    • Aniko there is nothing at all wrong with you. You are wonderful, fun, loving, kind, generous. You will find your other half. He’s probably out there right now wondering where you are.

    • I’m certain you will find someone. Maybe we just need to find places to put ourselves where we can be found. I had someone suggest dating sites, but I’m very wary of them simply because you can never really know who’s on the other side until you meet them in person.

  6. Daniel, I think that you have to be ready for love (as opposed to sex). You’ve had a lot going on in the last few years, now you seem more settled and at home in yourself maybe love is next on your sub conscious ‘to do’ list. Besides, if Mr Perfect is as shy as you were he’s probably still plucking up the courage to ask you for a date!
    You’ll find each other. 🙂

    • Yeah, definitely. I think with everythingthat went on with the new job, making my debut into the writing world, and other things, I was thrown for a bit of a loop. Now that I’ve had time to work past those issues my priorities are changing.

  7. Sadly, as writers, we set ourselves up for disappointment in matters of the heart. Life is NOT generally as it is in books and not everyone gets a happy ever after. But that doesn’t mean anyone should give up on love. I’d look on all those disappointments as a rehearsal for the real thing – just around the corner!

  8. As someone with quite a lot more mileage and who’s also been badly burned in the ‘love’ department I applaud you for your candour!

    Most days I’m resigned to the idea that I’ll remain alone “forever”, but occasionally I’ll allow my hope of finding my own “true love” surface.

    I’m sure when the time is right we’ll both find our very own “perfect for us” men! {{Hugs}}

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