Join Prism Book Alliance® as Brandon Witt goes Outside the Margins today.
A year ago, I had two more weeks of summer and was already dreading going back to school. I’d done the first edits on Then the Stars Fall, and I lamented that I’d not get to write anything else for who knew how long. I had no idea that in about a month’s time, I’d launch the plan that would end my teaching career, sell my house, move, and leap into the world of writing full time. Nor did I realize that a few weeks later, my boyfriend and I would decide that he should dive into travel nursing as well, which was/is wonderful. It never entered my mind that by the time a year rolled around, I would loose both of my boys, Dunkyn in October, and Dolan less than four weeks ago.
So much of this change has been good, things I’ve dreamed about my entire life. Still, changes are filled with stress and fear… fears that the royalty checks aren’t exactly alleviating. And, a couple of those changes have been devastating.
They say that your body can’t tell the difference between good stress and bad stress. I’d say that’s even truer when they’re mixed together.
The identify shift was already in progress, and then Dolan died. As strange as it may sound, more than anything else, or at least combined with everything else, his departure has left me feeling more unsure of who I am than any of the other events. Loosing Dunkyn was like loosing a best friend. Loosing Dolan was as close to loosing a child as I ever want to get. And loosing them both…
Transition is a good thing, even when it’s hard. Or at least, it can be. I’m not one of those people who believe everything happens for a reason. I know I should be, but I’m not. I’ve seen too much child abuse for me to ever accept that. However, I do believe we can use everything that happens, to a point.
One of the transitions I’d like to do is to use this Outside the Margins blog as something greater than as a personal blog/journal. I’m not sure what that looks like, but I’d like it to be used in a loftier manner than an outpouring of my inner workings. Even if today’s post says differently. (If any of you have insight into what is needed or desired, don’t hesitate to say so.)
I guess I will say this, and I’ll pretend it’s for the greater good. Let’s say that it’s for those of you hurting or scared so that you know you’re not alone. And, though I’m sarcastic in my delivery of this, I do mean it. However, I’m selfish enough that even if that isn’t the case, I’m still going to put it out there. Let you see where I am in on this journey of mine.
I’m hurting and I miss my boys.
I’m beyond insecure in my writing. I thought I was insecure about it before the pressure of success and/or failure had such high self-imposed stakes. (And this is NOT a plea for compliments or reassurance. Actually, I don’t want them. Only time and proof will alleviate these emotions.)
I am grateful that I leapt and that I’m risking. I have to know that I’m giving this everything I have, regardless of the cost.
I’m thankful for every minute I had with my boys.
I’m choosing to believe that I’ll look back at this time as the make it or break it time. When I can point to it and go, ‘Yep, you made it through it, you didn’t give up, and now look where you are.’ And, I’m choosing to believe that future place looks kinda like a fairytale. As dangerous as that may be. If you’re to risk it all, why risk for anything less?
Except for those moments of terror that I allow myself only every so often, I also choose to believe I’m not delusional.
(Now, if you actually read this post, go have some coffee and chocolate. You deserve a pick-me-up.)
About Brandon Witt
Brandon Witt resides in Denver, Colorado. When not snuggled on the couch with his two Corgis, Dunkyn and Dolan, he is more than likely in front of his computer, nose inches from the screen, fingers pounding they keys. When he manages to tear himself away from his writing addiction, he passionately takes on the role of a special education teacher during the daylight hours.
I have a number of paperbacks, most of which are signed, to giveaway. Over the between now (11 Mar 2017) and 31 Mar 2017, every comment on the blog (this post and all other new posts), will be entered to win 1 of these paperbacks. There are also some misc swag items, so there will be a few packs of these to give away as well.
Thank you so much for your support over the last 4 years. Prism will be closing its doors on 1 April 2017. All content will remain available, but no new content will appear after 31 Mar 2017. As such all request forms have been turned off. Again Thank you,
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