Sex and Gender Fluidity and Babies ~ Outside the Margins with Adrian J Smith

Join Prism Book Alliance® as Adrian J Smith goes Outside the Margins today.


I’ve known from the start that I didn’t want to know the sex of my child. My spouse on the other hand had a differing opinion, but since I’m the one carrying said child, my vote outweighs any others. But I do have reasoning. I have very good reasoning, if you ask me. No one ever does though. They ask whether the baby is a boy or a girl, but they never ask me why I don’t know or why I haven’t had the desire to find out.

Except one person.

My doctor. Which is curious. At my anatomy scan, the time when women normally find out the sex of their baby or have the sex confirmed after the NT testing done around 12-16 weeks, I chose not to find out like had been my plan from the start of this crazy adventure. I went in head strong. I told the tech we didn’t want to know. She said that was good because the baby was in a horrible position for us to find out even if we did want to know, so she wasn’t even going to bother looking.

Afterward, I went into the patient room to visit with my doctor for my check-up, and the conversation went a little like this.

Her: Did you get your scan?

Me: Yeah.

Her: See anything?

Me: A baby.

Her: Anything else?

Me: We saw some lungs, some kidneys, a bladder, a heart, a spine, and the head and feet up by the face.

Her: [AWKWARD PAUSE WHILE SHE GIVES ME THIS REALLY IMPLORING LOOK] See anything dangling? Like between the legs?

Me: Oh! No, we didn’t even look.

Her: [SHOCKED FACE] What? You didn’t look? I get to deliver a surprise baby? I’m so writing this down. I love surprise babies. I never get to deliver surprise babies anymore. Just curious, but why didn’t you want to know?

And that’s the very question I’ve been waiting for people ask. But people don’t ask it. I get asked all sorts of questions about being pregnant, questions people so should NOT be asking. Right now, the big one is where the hell is the baby? I have no bump and I’m officially in my third trimester and 28 weeks along. So people think it’s weird and that I’m not really pregnant. Apparently, they’d much rather discuss my weight than why I don’t want to know the sex of the baby growing inside me.

I’d very much like to tell them.

I gave my doctor the short answer. “Good surprises are rare, so why not take one where you can find one?” I shouldn’t have said that. I should have told her the real reason, the one that’s been with me since I ever thought about birthing children. I should have told her exactly why, but I didn’t. It’s something I regret.

Why do I not want to find out the sex of this baby growing inside me?

Simple: sex and gender are fluid concepts these days, meaning they’re not stagnant from birth. My child is my child whether they’re trans*, gay/lesbian, bisexual, omni, poly, androgynous, non-binary, binary, or cis-gendered or whatever other label they come up with in the next twenty or fifty years. The sex of a person at birth tells me nothing about the person themselves. If I want to get to know my child, then finding out hir sex before birth isn’t going to do that. I can tell you so much more about hir than that already.

My baby moves constantly, like 24/7 moves. There’s never a time when ze isn’t moving around in my belly. It’s really rather annoying sometimes, so I anticipate this continuing through hir life. I also anticipate some sort of weird sugar highs due to my constant binge eating of candy that happens randomly. But ultimately, I don’t know hir yet. I won’t know hir until ze is born, until ze starts to grow up a bit and gets a personality all hir own.

To pigeon-hole or to declare ze has to fit into a certain category before even given the chance to show the world what kind of person ze will be seems obnoxious and detrimental to who ze will become. Well, ze was a nasty cranky baby that caused mom loads of issues from conception, but that’s just how boys are or that’s just how girls are. It makes no sense to me. If ze causes me issues, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be because of who ze is, not because ze is a boy or a girl, male or female.

Why would I create a personality for a person who should be able to create hir own personality without me trying to put limits on what that personality can and cannot be. Personality is what makes us who we are, and our past makes our present and creates our future. Why don’t I want to know the sex of the baby? Because I want to give hir as much of a clean slate as possible to discover who ze is as I can. Because I don’t what hir to worry about my anticipations of having a son/daughter if ze is not cis-gendered. Because I don’t want my child to think ze has disappointed my expectations.

I have no expectations at this point. None what so ever except that ze will be exactly who ze will become. And I vastly look forward to discovering who ze is and who ze wants to be right along with hir.

~Adrian J Smith

Adrian J. Smith, or AJ€ as she is often called, has a generous and soft heart. She loves to rescue stray cats and dogs, as well as those who just escape. Her hoard of animals currently includes two cats, a dog and a fish, but no children as of yet. She’s passionate about LGBT et al rights, women’s rights and children’€™s rights.

AJ loves to read and write lesbian fiction, simply for the fact that strong women make her swoon and when two are involved her knees turn to jelly and she falls head over heels in love. AJ travels around the United States, and sometimes the world, gathering up stories for her novels. Currently, she lives in the middle of nowhere of the middle of nowhere and is rather difficult to find except on the internet, where she spends a lot of her time..

Farewell Giveaway
I have a number of paperbacks, most of which are signed, to giveaway. Over the between now (11 Mar 2017) and 31 Mar 2017, every comment on the blog (this post and all other new posts), will be entered to win 1 of these paperbacks. There are also some misc swag items, so there will be a few packs of these to give away as well.

Thank you so much for your support over the last 4 years. Prism will be closing its doors on 1 April 2017. All content will remain available, but no new content will appear after 31 Mar 2017. As such all request forms have been turned off. Again Thank you,

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4 thoughts on “Sex and Gender Fluidity and Babies ~ Outside the Margins with Adrian J Smith

    • Right!? I wish I had gotten that too, but I guess back then no one really knew the sex of the growing alien inside the belly until ze was born. They didn’t do ultrasounds back then like they do now. I avoid ultrasounds and dopplers if I can. Sometimes I think they create far more worry than peace of mind.

  1. Wow I also did not want to know! We finally picked out names about a week before my daughter was born but I have always wished you could change the name as the child’s personality grew. But that’s not something you can do.

    • I figure the child can pick their own name as they grow. That’s basically what I did. We have names picked out, have had them for a while now, but I anticipate they might change.

      It’s rare to find other people who don’t want to know. =D

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